i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
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(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.