@birbigs

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

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@3sunzzz

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

@skittle624

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

@Marcmywords2

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

@DaddyJew

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

@Christweetpher_

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

@david8hughes

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

@AbbieEvansXO

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

@BastardProphet

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

@FlyJ_

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.