How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
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My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
ME: hit me
M: hit me
M: hit me
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.