Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
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This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help