I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
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broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”