These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
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Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
thank god
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Worlds greatest photobomb
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
ready to be harvested
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all