I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
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I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea