Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
You Might Also Like
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich