maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
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The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Nose
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
No Google it does not
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.