maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
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blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
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Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
This forever.
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I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!