If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
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Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.