Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
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I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂