Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
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Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb