@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
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[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
this is how life feels
#titanic
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.