[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
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Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.