Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
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Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
this could fix me
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Tuesday
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.