How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
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Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I love the honesty
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.