How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
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Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
How it started How it’s going
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?