I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
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I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
We are the people our parents warned us about.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.