Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
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Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”