If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
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[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Scream sneezers need love too.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics