“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
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Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Canada has crack?
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.