35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
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Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I created you as mosquito food.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.