They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
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Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Are you ok, human???
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
so i’m at the stock market right
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya