These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
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I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Flowers bee like
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
What?
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.