What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
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Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori