Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

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“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”


Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks


One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.


I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.


My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”


You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.


At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.


If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up


Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done