@behindyourback

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

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@SLNerf_Herder

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

@myonlymizztake

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

@jasonroeder

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

@daddygofish

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

@mdob11

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

@Metalligretch

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

@Miss_MI_Kay

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

@mdob11

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done