my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
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Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.