I don’t understand what’s happening here.
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PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here