Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
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WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
put ‘er there pardner!
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.