Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
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Smallpox sounds so adorable
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Guilty! 🤪
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.