[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
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her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Noah
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?