Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
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Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*