Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
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Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
my professor scared me for a second
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]