THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
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why isn’t he texting back
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.