I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
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What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
not seeing the problem
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?