Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
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If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting