When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
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In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
🤣dope
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
best first i’ve ever seen
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs