Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
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I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?