I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
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When your man makes a valid point
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe