Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
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“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs