Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
You Might Also Like
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about