How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
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Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
No one :
Me when I swimming :
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar