[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
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5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
this FaceApp is creepy af
there’s probably a fee though
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.