When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
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Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
How it started How it’s going
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.