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Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.