5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
You Might Also Like
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs