Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
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Love this one 😂🧟
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi