[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
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[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
still the best tweet of the year by far
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”