People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
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Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand