Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
You Might Also Like
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine