Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
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I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.