[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
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The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Worlds greatest photobomb
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap