Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
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Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
You’ll be OK
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
our love story in four pictures
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs